Friendzoned: Unreciprocated Love Must Hurt Like a B*tch And Yet He Still Held Out Hope
The psychology behind why some don’t give up on the object of their romantic obsession
One-sided love
I wish we could always remain, friends, because I love you — just not that way.
I love the fact that I can tell you anything and you listen as I go through the entire gamut of emotions without judging or calling me dramatic. I adore the fact that you can make me laugh and are my wingman when I need someone to bolster my confidence.
I love you — just not the way you want me to.
But I see it in your eyes. In the way they linger…the heat in your gaze…
Now, I dread the inevitable.
Because it will only complicate things.
But I don’t want to ruin a good thing. And I’m not down for any of that lovey-dovey stuff.
Because you know my heart belongs to someone else.
Gosh, this is so awkward…
Can we just be friends?
Please?
It is not you, it’s me
As a writer, when you get rejected from a publication, it stings for a bit and then you move on. But things are not as simple when the person rejecting you is the object of your romantic obsession.
Some people accept the relegation into the friend zone category with grace while still holding out hope that their crush would eventually see their love for what it is and reciprocate.
When it doesn’t happen, the heartache can be tremendous — akin to an actual break up of a relationship where none existed.
In her article “Why We Can Get Obsessed With People Who Don’t Want Us” neuroscientist Berit Brogaard suggests rejection pain is similar to the pain of breaking up even though the other person never wanted you in the first place.
4 reasons for rejection pain according to a neuroscientist
The perceived value of the person
When the object of our obsession is not available for a relationship, their perceived value goes up. In other words, we feel they are too expensive for us to afford, and in some strange way, that increases their perceived value in our minds.
Our addictive personality
Even though we were never in a relationship with the object of our infatuation, the feelings of what could have been can lead to addiction to thoughts of a certain kind. In other words, we are suffering from drug addiction and the drug in this situation is the person doing the rejecting.
Attachment style
Those with a dependent attachment style are likely to seek out people who will cause them pain as this excerpt explains: “In a classic scenario, they grew up in a household with a mother or father who emotionally rejected them. For these individuals, being romantically rejected is a familiar feeling. Since we are always more likely to act in ways that are familiar to us, if we have a history of rejection, we are likely to seek situations where we should expect more rejection.”
Seeking a different ending
Some who have experienced rejection in the past will seek out scenarios that they hope will bring about a different, more positive ending this time around.
Unrequited love
Once upon a time, I had a best friend and he was a guy.
I would share everything with him from my latest dating debacles to the upheavals in my home life.
We would text each other throughout the day with silly memes and jokes. I knew I could depend on him come what may — he was like that — solid.
Somewhere along the line, I saw the subtle shift in his eyes from ride-or-die friend to something else. But I ignored it perhaps because I was selfish — I didn’t want to acknowledge the growing elephant in the room for fear of losing the friendship.
And then he became possessive.
The hurt was undeniable each time I brought up my dating life.
I knew it was only a matter of time before he would share his feelings for me and I dreaded that day. Because nothing would be the same again.
For me, he was a good friend, the best, but nothing more…
Some would ask why wouldn’t I give a sweet, supportive, and dependable guy like him a chance. After all best friends make for great partners too.
My response is these things can’t be forced.
I knew him for over 2 years and never once did I feel any sort of romantic attraction towards him. Perhaps he wasn’t my type, I don’t know, but it has always befuddled me why a man and a woman can’t be friends without romance overcomplicating things.
I blogged about it and he must have read it because he used to read everything I wrote (including the steamy pieces) for he did a slow fade from my life.
Today marks a year since the death of our friendship.
Do I miss him?
Sure.
But I will never reach out to him because I am not in the business of stringing people along just so I can assuage my ego.
However, the one regret I will always carry with me is wishing I had been less blunt and treated him with more compassion when turning him down.
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Thank you Yana for writing about this difficul topic. We al want to be loved and rejection can be very hard. Friendships tend to come and go. People leave and than new people show up in your life.
Beautiful Yana. Loss is always hard. Better for him to move on and find his “perfect”. I’m sorry for your loss though. A good friend is a special gift. Unfortunate, that he didn’t understand the friend fence.