What Does It Mean When Your Boyfriend Calls You Dear?
Originally answered on Quora with 10K views
There is a running joke in my culture that the man would call his woman terms of endearment such as “Honey” or “Sugar” in the initial stages of marriage. Once the honeymoon phase is over, if they revert to your name then consider yourself lucky. Oftentimes, they don’t even bother.
Instead, they use a condescending word that is commonly used to address a younger female. And many women stand for it — believing it a husband, or a man’s right to address them so. Or perhaps they are comfortable with it or have grown used to it from hearing the women before them being called the same.
Thus is the nature of our patriarchial culture irrespective of education or job.
From a young age, thanks to American sitcoms, I have been exposed to the pet names couples call each other either in a marriage or the context of a casual relationship.
It amazed me that Americans would have such endearing words for their loved ones when I saw none of that at home. No wonder science has backed up the fact that incorporating pet names into a relationship has the potential to strengthen the bond between partners.
I must admit I dreamed there would come a time when I would be in a loving relationship where we each had an endearing name for one another.
After coming to NYC, I noticed guys and even random cashiers at the store would call you a bunch of names like “sweetie,” “babe” or “cutie” right off the bat. It made me very uncomfortable to be referred to with such familiarity by a complete stranger.
I thought those words sounded crass and degrading unless, of course, they were welcome by the person receiving them.
From a dating perspective, I prefer to be called my name until the get-to-know phase is well underway. Then I feel terms of endearment naturally come into play depending on the relationship dynamics.
I have observed that pet names can vary widely from the generic “honey” to the classic “dear” to one with a uniquely personal touch.
For example, my ex-boyfriend never called me by name but always addressed me as “dear” probably a throwback from his time studying abroad. On the other hand, my pet name for him was “goose.” I guess my choice of pet name is an affectionate acknowledgment of the fact that he was always rushing and forgetting things.
In my writing life, some writers have placed me on a pedestal with their words despite not knowing me IRL. In its own way, this does not come as a surprise because as a blogger myself, I produce my best work with a muse in mind.
For me, that is my current partner.
Almost all my blog posts are love letters to him which only he can decipher. Since I better express myself in words, everything from what I’m going through in my life to the state of my emotions to my feelings for him is conveyed through what I write.
And yes, we have pet names for each other. I call him “my life” in my native language and he calls me “my heart.” Sometimes we call each other pet names but those are more of an inside joke that only we can understand.
These terms of endearment go far beyond affection or even playfulness for me. They remind me I am safe, cherished, and dearly loved. That way, I couldn’t even envision a relationship where there weren’t pet names involved.
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I love your current pet names for each other. Yes such lovely words of endearment are to be appreciated.
Come to think of that, I don't specially use a term while addressing my wife. Mostly, it is the tone. However, for messages I use several.