The Girl You Used to Know Is So Gone
A revenge bod is one thing but it should not be the focal point
I must admit there was some trepidation before I visited my parents after my divorce mainly because it is a culture where divorce is frowned upon.
Like I’ve somehow failed — myself, society, and women in general, wives in particular because they are considered the locus of a happy family in my culture.
Doesn’t really matter if said women are miserably unhappy, ill-treated by their spouses, controlled by the dictates of a patriarchal society on how to behave, what to wear, whom to marry, and whether they can work or stay home to serve the family.
Facades matter there. Illusions are king.
But I digress….
I truly appreciate my father for making a keen observation: “My dear, you look happy.”
And he is happy for me. Both my parents are.
It thrills me that they can actually see it!
How I used to be back then and how far I’ve come. They know life is too short to hold on to illusions perpetuated by societal norms that belong in the Paleolithic era.
Gone is the defeated look as is the perpetual, weary feeling of what am I living for?
That woman is so gone.
I must admit that the first thing I did post-divorce was lose all the weight piled on from depression and a lack of will to do anything for myself. In other words, it was the age of the revenge body.
It was immensely gratifying to notice heads turn when I entered a room. Guys especially. Chests out, tummies in. It served as a balm for a bruised ego and shattered self-esteem — just because my ex didn’t appreciate me doesn’t mean there aren’t other men out there!
While there is nothing wrong in looking your best, in my case it stemmed from a place of deep insecurity.
Transforming one’s body is one thing but over time, I wondered if that was enough for a happy life.
Sure, I had no trouble getting dates but getting into a relationship and staying in it was something else altogether. Here I was with all this unprocessed past baggage wrapped up in a sleek body hoping for a lasting, meaningful relationship.
It doesn’t work that way. Even if your partner was the most understanding person, he cannot do the emotional work for you — in other words, you have to face down your demons whatever they may be, and banish them. If you’re lucky said partner would support you through the entire messy process.
One would think being in a relationship with a doctor would have benefitted me in my healing journey. I must admit he had the emotional intelligence of a pistachio. Perhaps it is years of constantly keeping emotions at bay while dealing with patients suffering various kinds of physical and mental trauma that made him that way for he had this annoying habit of looking at things clinically.
He was more interested in finding the root cause of a medical problem instead of being quick to prescribe meds. However, in our 3 years together, I doubt he gave the root cause of our relationship problem a second thought.
In that way, I am glad I have the benefit of therapy and a mental health support group.
I am no longer with my doctor boyfriend and I no longer have a revenge body. All the inner work I have been doing must have made me embrace the idea of a “gratitude body.”
You see, healing past wounds and rediscovering I am enough just the way I am has helped me let go of perceptions of how I am supposed to look to be happy.
Perhaps the biggest change I have observed since I began prioritizing my emotional and mental health is the emergence of a distinct and confident voice within me.
It was not always like this because in the past there were times when my life felt like a silent scream that no one could hear and even if they did, they preferred to turn a blind eye.
Well, guess what? Now I have a VOICE and am not afraid of using it.
Alas, how I wish I had known my worth when I was younger and relied more on the power of personality rather than giving importance to flaky outward appearances — certainly gave me a lot of grief later on…
But then I ask myself what if I had not gone through some tough, life-changing experiences, would I be the strong woman I am today?
Somehow, I highly doubt that.
I would still be the meek, timid, doormat with an insipid personality who didn’t have or rather, was taught not to have a single independent thought in her pretty head.
I have survived and recreated myself. People sense confidence — they can feel it about a woman who is comfortable in her skin and knows who she is and what she wants.
🎈If you enjoyed reading this, do check out my other posts on Medium.
You have come a long way. You should be proud of all the work you have put in to be the strong and confident woman you are today.
“…emotional intelligence of a pistachio” made me laugh out loud. Sometimes the smartest people are the dumbest. I’m glad you made it out and are in such a great place now.